Sunday, June 21, 2009

And now, John can hate me forever..


OK, I have to get this out!! I just saw 'the ugliest thing ever', a few days back!! No, it's not him in the pic. It's the ugliest I could find on google.


I was going to attend a class and I took the same route as always. But there it was! And I don't know why, but it seems to me that it could have been a ghost or a something else than a dog. It did not look real from any angle. It could NOT have been stray! He was way too 'fit' to let the other normal stray dogs survive!! No, it couldn't have been real! I only saw him once. What irks me more is that the next time I was passing the same place, I was with my mother and unconsciously pushed her to that side of the road..err..footpath where I saw him. I'd wanted to show her that there's always a solid reason for my a-tad-too-often bouts of hyper-activity and obssesive behaviour(!) as she calls it, and as usually happens with me, it wasn't there! I don't have proof. And fottuu? What are you talking about? Did I mention that it was the HUGEST too. With freakishly long legs (uh? limbs?)!!! And not even sexy ones, I tell you!! So, all I say is that it was, in fact, the ugliest, freakiest, spookiest, weirdest, umm..obnoxiousest? dog ever!!!

So this ugliest, weirdest thing ever turned out to be the patheticest too. I don't know why, but I can't seem to get the image of him (his proud stance and his dirty long greyish legs all dirty) out of my head! The moment I find something 'disgusting' , it's there in my head with all sorts of MS Powerpoint 2007 'custom animation effects' playing with it!

I've always been scared of dogs, unlike my brother who used to follow them around and cause my parents much trouble because they looked like his favourite 'bhediyas' in Mowgli pretty much. Then there came a time, when I started hating them from the core of my heart and when it became clear to me that they're all like Mojo Jojo(s). All they've ever wanted is to eat up all the humans alive so that they can rule the world. And trust me, guys, those who own dogs, tommy is going to eat you up and soon. You won't even live long enough to say "Et tu, Brute!". So much for your faith in their loyalty. Trust me, it's gonna happen and soon.

Karan Johar, who seems to have realized this is even making a movie called 'Koochie Koochie Hota Hai' with dogs as the main characters of the most amazing movie ever. As if all this butter-baazi with the dogs is gonna save him when his time comes.

They've made me weak and perpetually scared when out alone. My younger brother tells me to 'grow up'. My mother sees a little good in it since I only recite the 'Gayathri Mantra' full-speed when I see a dog. So, the Gods have conspired to keep sending them my way. Hmph.

But, worst of all, they've even made me vulnerable in not a good way. Some ten days back, I was standing outside my insitute at a photocopy shop to get a copy of the notes I'd missed taking since I was busy reading 'The Bridget Jones' Diary' in class. Enter dirty stray dog. They recognize my smell. And off I go with the super fast version of 'Gayathri Mantra' and the next thing I know, I'm suddenly trying to grab the arm of a guy friend I'd known for some 15 odd days and blabbering "listen..listen..listen.."... He's confused. Double Personality Syndrome? What? And then, as expected, bursts out laughing. Damn. I mean, damn. He didn't even have to work for it! THAT is what they've done to me. The bloody hounds.

If you've known me for more than a year, there are chances you might've heard THE story. The HATRED ORIGINS. The prequel. And there are chances you might have heard it more than you'd have liked.

So, I was 12 and I loved to bicycle which is exactly what I was doing when this particular black bitch (No, literally) thought it okay to block my way and just stand there and do nothing but stare at me. And I really don't know what I'd done to deserve this sorta behaviour. I mean, I never played with her children. Those pups were seriously gross. It wasn't them. They were born dogs and that's what they were destined to remain forever. She was known to be a mad one and all.

Like in all the other important stories, 'Maa' played an important role in this one as well. I remembered what my mother had advised me to do when I encounter such a situation and I did just that. I pretended to pick up a stone from the road. It had absolutely no effect on her. She was motionless, still staring and frankly, really scary. So, I tried the same technique again and again for some time till I ran out of patience and actually picked up a stone. No, I wasn't throwing it at her or something. I just picked it up. JUST THAT.

And I don't recollect who moved first but all of a sudden, I was running to save my life with my much faster, much stronger predator after me!!! God bless all the cacti plants outside my house for saving my life!! Because I fell straight into them and despite being the bitch (again, literally. I've given up abuses for good.) she was, she ran away. I don't know what exactly scared her more. The thorns adorning both my legs or those in the pots! Of course, I had to bear with the torture of a few tetanus injections here and there that my mother, who's a doctor, put me through using her universally-known supposedly-gentle-technique.

So spare me all dog-lovers. I don't buy your 'Kuch nahi kahega' attitude.

John recently mentioned in his HT City Column that he has developed hatred for a fellow female co-star(!) since the time she said something like "I WANT ALL THE DOGS KILLED...AAAAARGHHH!!!" because he's a true animal lover and supports animal rights and wears a PETA T-shirt cause it's pink and blah. Ah, whatever. I can be an actress too matlab 'cause I carry the same view!! YIPPPPEEEEEEEEEEEE!!

23 comments:

bondgal_rulz said...

Look who's back!! And that too with a BANG!!

You are scred of dogs ??!!! LOL. Honestly grow up !!

I'm not much of a dog lover either. But tell you what. These things can smell fear and will be more than ready to eat you when they do. So the key lies in being fearless when confronted by them.

When I was a kid, I simplu used to stare vaguely at the dog's direction and abuse it silently. :D

And trust me, guys, those who own dogs, tommy is going to eat you up and soon. You won't even live long enough to say "Et tu, Brute!". >>> LMFAO.

HILARIOUS post!!!

Cheers

Dhanya said...

LOL! I just loveeee dogs :D So can't exactly compliment your post here ;)

But am sure my ma and sis will agree with you wholeheartedly. They usually run for their lives when they see a cat or a dog around...

Mads said...

mast. i love you yaar :D
i had joined a 'i hate dogs' community on orkut..and this...orkutian scraps me..saying PETA will be after me and they will throw me into jail if i don't unjoin the community. i was like... :O *speechless*
i hate dogs, and im so very very scared of them. lizards, spiders, cockroaches, are NOTHING...roller coster rides...injections also to an extent are nothing as scary as dogs :((
bachaooo :(

Creation said...

I used to like dogs.. like really like em.. but i can't say the same now that i've seen the picture above.

glad you're back.. your posts (even if they're about ugly dogs) are certainly very refreshing!!

peter said...

ahh how I hate bitches x-( ok dogs too :P

Rahul Viswanath said...

I am not into dogs ..... But would love to be with .......... ;-)

neeraj_only said...

Hating is too strog word :(

loved ur style of writing ( but it is hate story )
u believe in, "many things do change ?"
i hope so.spread love , not hate ( too much of fundawaji....lolz )

Anurag said...

Well I can understand your sentiments but it's a wrong one to have ...Dogs can be cute and friendly you know.....

sarika said...

hey i could feel as if we were talking on phn while reading the post... prety hilarious..n as u knw m cmpletely wid u on this one...Dogs(argh!!)
n i do the arm grabbing thing wid nyone who is standing along me at the sight of a dog(cos d bitch smells me too frm a distance n turn her hate filled eyes on me..which can be prety scary ;)
n i tell u only wise people can understand that dogs r the most dangerous creatures roaming freely out there..waiting for their next victim..:-S
keep up..

Bullshee said...

You would NOT like Bangalore. The place is filled with strays that can't be "disposed" of because Maneka Gandhi flexes her muscles in these parts. Somewhat effectively.

But as a dog LOVER, I'm sorry you feel this way. Dogs can be loving, caring things. Loyal and obedient, ready to perform your every whim. Only things in the world which make me get mushy and say cutie-pootie-sweetie...ahem....

» sahil said...

Haha, ROFL!

But hmm, one dog doesn't make an entire species you know ...

Aw.S.M said...

Oye...Not KOOL IB!! NoT KOOL at all!!

Dogs rock!! Loyal to the core..sure they might stink and poop all over the place...but so do babies who havent bathed in weeks :P...

Sure not all dogs r "lassie" or "scooby" but kyaa re..jeene de na!! The poor things...its not like they ever hurt u...sure one mightve chased u once or twice..but thats to keep u in shape :P..

Yes yes..one mightve barked a time or 2 but u ve sung in front of people too right :P...hehe

chal jokes aside...awesomely funny post re...lolz...now u know y u should be posting more often...for MY comments :P...hehe

luv
amith

Aupsy-The cOOlest One!! said...

lol... seems like a 'Jug Suriya' editorial from TOI!!! U spank dogs like anything man...ur'e one helluva dog hater it seems !!!

Tell u what...try this...intead of doin ur usual 'gaythri mantar' on spotting a dog, do it on spotting a hot guy... if the Gods are smart, u can be smarter ;)

The Solitary Writer said...

hmm. ...so u hate dogs...vaise frm whre did u get the pics...its really scary.....aila!!!

btw as anurag said dogs r very frndly.....look whoz toking;-P

Mads said...

aaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh new hair style new hair style new hair style!!
it's nice =) =)
Doctor sahiba...errr C.A. sahiba... :P u look like a kid with those fringes :D

wild iris said...

Behdiyas, lmao! I'm no dog fan, but read Marley and Me. Seriously. I wanted a hundred dogs after that.

And omg, this post was the best treat ever! I was feeling kinda low and gormless, but omg! Love you =)
Don't have nightmares!

PS- SO kind of you to have shared that horrid pic with us, babe. >.>

DPhatsez said...

Well well Siya!
This one's new!

Guess who's back..
back again..
Siya's back..
Tell all friends..


Woof! Woof! Woof!!

:)

Dr. Acula said...

@Isha: Yaar!!! I have tried everything..everything, I tell you!! :-l. Except for abusing it. LOL. Now that's next up on my list!! :P

@Dhanya: I looooveeeeee your mum and sis..!!! ;-) How can you love dogs yaar? how can anyone love dogs?

@Madhuri: Yaar..now I love you too. Sachii walla!! :D >:D< hehe..im as scared of injections though!!!

@Kriti: GOOD FOR YOU!! Trust me..good for you!! :D :P Oye and thanks yaar!! :)

Dr. Acula said...

@Peter: Saali maneka gandhi. X(

@Rahul: Even after seeing this picture?? :O

@Neeraj: I agree with you on spreading love, you know. But that goes only as far as humans are concerned. Love dogs?? Are you serrrious?? :P LOL. hehe..sochenge!

@Anurag: yeah..whatever! :P You go pet a dog. :P

Dr. Acula said...

@shail: I know, I know!!!!! :D Tabhi toh hum dono me aisa atoot rishta hai pyaar ka!! waaah waah waah!! :P hehe..thanks! :)

@Bullshee: I really can't imagine it getting worse than it's here in Delhi!! cutie-pootie-sweetie..Ahem!! Good for you, buddy!! Maneka toh sucks!!

@Sahil: They're ALL the same, you know!! swear!

Dr. Acula said...

@Amith: But, I hate dogs!!! :"(
Main kya karu!!
Yeaaah...you should really listen to me sing!! :P
hehe..thanks!! Totally totally..only NOW did I get to really know!!! :P :D

@Ayushman: LOL. Sachhii?? Haha..thanks!! :D I write random..Jug Suraiya toh, well!! :P

I am one helluva dog hater!!!

Thanks for the tip!! hehe :P :D

@The Solitary Writer: I googled "Ugliest dog" !!
hehe :P

@Madhuri: umm..thank you! :"> but to tell you the truth, that pic was taken a year back. LOL. Don't kill me. I was bored with my present pic toh changed it!! :P

Dr. Acula said...

@Kriti: Yayy!!! :) love u too =)

And welcome for the picture. I'm sweet inside..come on, you know that!! :P

@DPhat: Haha. Woof Woof Woof!!! :D

The Solitary Writer said...

woww

u googled lol