The great Indian (hyper-extended) family.

She entered the restaurant with her not-so-much, yet-younger brother in tow. As she went ahead, carving her path through a sea of people, protecting her little (sneers) brother from the evils of the world, she almost had to do a Matrix to escape a well, let's say, a healthy Aunty wearing a vulgar over-sequined saree, who, in a fit of laughter (induced by vulgarly fat Uncle husband's joke), was falling over her unknowingly. She survived even as the Aunty gave her a threatening look on seeing the look of disgust on her face.

She was about to reach her table. Suddenly, her path was blocked by a couple of three year olds who were dragging a chair back and forth making screeching noises and another couple who were shouting cheers for them in a shrill, very shrill voice. The chalktrauma* made her want to pull her hair out, kick off the kids in different directions and retire to the Himalayas for-ever. But, she survived. Because all she could think of in that one moment was that why was it called 'back and forth' when 'forth and back' makes more sense because 'back' is when you come 'back' from 'forth'. Her therapy classes had really helped with her grave anger issues by teaching her how to divert her mind.

She sat on her chair, only to find that it wasnt't there. She fell, hurt. Fat aunty had borrowed the chair without asking if it was needed. She survived, still. She took it as a positive thing to have happened. It suddenly brought life into her lazy self. 'Art of the living' classes weren't a bad idea, after all.

She almost had laryngitis from having to shout at the top of her voice to be audible to her parents sitting across the table because a group of fat kitty-party aunties were so amicably fake-complimenting each other's sarees and just by-the-way bitching about their daughter-in-laws, their cacophonous, high pitched voices echoing through the hall (hell). She cursed them with the Swine Flu.

What can you say about an almost(still) 20 year old who survived?

That she loved people.

The Obnoxious, The Unbelievably Annoying and The Incredibly Stupid.

They never ceased to amaze her.

P.S.: 'She loved people' was an alternate title. But then, I decided to go with the 'family' one because I figured that to make an impactful speech, you've got to include the 'parivaar' feeling somewhere.

P.P.S.: Heh. I loved third person talk!! Weird..but, doing more of it for sure. :D

P.P.P.S.: I haven't taken any of those classes, just FYI.



*Chalktrauma (chawk' traw ma) - n. The body's reaction to someone running his fingernails down a chalkboard. Source: Sniglets

Grrr..

I can't sleep!! And yes, for those who have doubts, I do sleep!! Not the mosquitoes this time. No sir, they've well been taken care of by ALL-OUT (with extra MMR). It is that time of the year again when I'm reeeeally missing Rahul, the guy who does the annual servicing of our Air Conditioners! But, it's not that either!

My sleep has been broken!!!! I hate sleep-breakers!!! EVERYONE KNOWS THAT!!! Cause you don't want what happens next...But, you've dunnit..you've just hit the right button..and it's coming..you know that..

*HATE FUMES *

I've been hit by blank calls!! I mean, for God's sake, it was okay during the day..but 1:30 in the morning..Grr..PEOPLE SLEEP DAMMIT!! Go, go!!..tell all your bat friends about it!!

If this is the same sick person who, not long ago, pledged to mess with my peace of mind,"Tsch Tsch" for falling to such levels"!!!! SLEEP BREAKING??? You are sure going to bloody bloody HELL, dude!! Also, "Uh, Uh!"..you ain't even close! Know why?

I was tempted to put this particular number up here..but, guess what, I'm not that mean, evil, mad, deranged, out-of-his/her-mind-person that you are, now..am I?

So..GO!! Whoever you are..I set you free!!

I forgive..and yeah, that was my peace of mind speaking for me!! HELL YEAH, I'm a Taurean and I'm hard. You hit me harder and you'll bounce off to undiscovered universes, I promise ya.

Grr..

It is about time that the world saw the birth of GOD yet again..Evil people need to die and soon.

STOP MESSING WITH THE ZOHAN, EVERYONE!!

Grr..

P.S.:- Blank calls?? I mean reeeally..!! They're so out of fashion. Haven't you heard...missed calls are the new blank calls!!

P.P.S.: Zohan is me.

*Yawn*

Wow..I'm yawning! See how forgiving I am?

ALL about handbags!

"Kuch khaas hai...kuch khaas hai...Kya yehi pyaar hai(?)..Kya yehiiiiii pyaaaaaar haaiii!!! Pyaar hai..shaayad! Ok, I'll just call up Gerard and tell him 'm in love with someone else!"

"So, she's hot, huh?? No no, I'm not talking about my bike (who's a female, FYI) in some freak-ish manner..calling it my first love!! I'm in love with handbags!! I'm obsessed!! Hope Bips won't mind...She was cool with the bikes, you know!! "

"WHAT??!! Did you say handbags?? Yes, I want them..I'm drooling all over em already!! Jaane Tuuu...yaaa Jaane Naa..*chokes and dies*"

"Yeah, I usually write great stuff...but this week, I just can't think of anything other than handbags!! Okay, don't complain..you still have the Sanghvi-licious Veer Sanghvi's article on "Rude Food" to read about!!"

"WoW!!!! I'm puking handbags!!!! AWESOMENESS..."

- - - - Extracts from the personal diaries of Priyanka Chopra, John Abraham, Imran Khan, Seema Goswami and Siya (in that order).

(Click on the links to read their articles!)

P.S.: Hindustantimes.com is yet to upload John's and Seema Goswami's column!

Can't be miss India?? Insane!! X(

Since the time I was six-ish, I SO DESPERATELY wanted to be Miss Universe. I know one has to be Miss India first. But still! I had this HUGE collection of all the photos of Indian Beauty Queens that appeared in Newspapers, magazines, anywhere which my mum eventually made me throw away while clearing stuff in my room..I don't throw stuff you know..But that's besides the point! The main point is, Imagine my shock when I just discovered two minutes back that even to be a petty "mystique Miss NCR 2009", the eligibility criteria for sending in photos is that you should be 5"3 or taller!! THAT SUCKS!! Even though, I don't really want to be a beauty queen now..not that I can't be (:P)..Does this mean, short people are worthless..not worthy of representing India at an international platform?? Especially..since Indians are not Australians..we aren't very tall in general!! Tell you what, stupid beauty queen contests, it's just the other way round, the shorter ones are way smarter than the taller ones. I have no reason of saying that and it may make no sense to you at all..but It's MY BLOG!! And as a sign of protest, I'm not watching the crowning ceremony that'll be aired tonight for the first time since I was six-ish! Boo.

Whatever happened to people believing in the good 'ole signals!

Okay. (I know it's creepy that every post so far starts with this word. Well, It is one of my favorites. Warning: And so are lame jokes, by the way.). Have you noticed how obsolete (And, for once, we can't even blame technology for that) the good 'ole signals have become in this day and this age. By signals, I mean the way you twirl a strand of your hair around your index finger (Okay, not you. The 20th century Bollywood heroines, I meant) and try to smile more when you're around the guy you'd love to be with or the way you notice and yet ignore someone you're trying to avoid. Yeah, those are the signals I'm talking about. People seem to ignore them a lot these days, especially if the signals are not nice ones. What I basically mean is:

Scene 1: Yeah, so there's this ugly guy from your college (the one you left when you changed your mind about the course you really wanted to study and switched lines to a different course called Chartered Accountancy to put a seemingly-unending confusion about "what I want to be when I grow up" to an end - after going through a year of torture called 'Honors course in Mathematics"). Still with me, are you? Just asking. Because my ramblings sometimes make people think about their own confusions and the problems haunting their lives which eventually leads to me consoling them rather than the way it was supposed to be. I know I can surely be a psychologist sometimes after I have exhausted all my accounting juices.

So, back to the main topic, as I always say. So this ugly guy from your college - the one you're least interested in talking to and ignored the whole year that you went to that particular college- leaves you one of those " hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii.....wasssssssssssup?????" messages on one of those so-called social-networking sites (orkut, facebook et al) and here it goes (I've tried to translate it all as well as possible):

Ugly Guy: hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii.....wasssssssssssup?????

I: No reply for 15 days

UG: Heyyyyyyy!!!! why are you not replying???!!!!! naraaz hai kya??? (translated as: are u upset with me???)

I: Hey. nm. u tell? ( Signal: Who ARE you?! Buzz off!!)

UG: Nothing much, yaar (friend) . Sooooooo......wasssssssup????

I: Yeah. well, nothing. studies. (As if you haven't already asked that one!! Buzz off, random guy!!)

UG: ohhhhhhhhh......padhaaaakuuu!!! (translated as: "ohhhhh....the nerddd!!") Yaar top karna hai kya??? Thodi intelligence hume bhi de do naaa!! (Oh!! So, you're plannign to top the class again, are you?? Can't you give a piece of your intelligence to me!!??)

Chal chodd...aur bata??!! (translated as: Okay, leave this topic..what else is up??) Come to college some day..we'll have a good time!!

I : Hm. yeah..well I'll try.

UG: Yeah..tell me whenever you plan to come, alright?

I: Yeah. (Like I'm that stoopid, u jerk!)

UG: Ohkkkkkk...cyaaaaaa !!! tc :) :) :)

Scene 2: Random-boring-self-absorbed-person you bumped into at a college fest and have been talking to for 5 minutes now without actually talking:-

Blah Blah Blah... ( 5 minutes )

Random Person:- So you know what, I had 5 bottles of pure vodka that other day and WoW, then we went on a bike ride..me and this random girl I met at that party!! And then you know..

I: (constantly checking watch and looking here and there) Hmm..Ok..Alright then..(Yeah, yeah you're SO COOL! Let me go, please!!)

RP:- And you know the other day..I was reading this amazing book and..

I: Well, nice meeting you..Alright then..

RP:- Blah Blah

I: hmm (Get a life dude!)

Blah Blah Blah (and so..it goes on forever)

I really don't mean to be mean or something (For all those who're one of the jerks and reading this.: Realization is half the battle won, my dear. Come to me for advice sometime. Free of cost, of course!. Take care.)


Take care of yourself, blog. :)

MAC and Cheese!! Almost.

Not gonna write another "I'm Back" post. Let's just say, I'm back. For now, atleast. OK, now don't give me that look.

Now, cooking is really not the kind of thing I'd like to waste my time on. Net surfing is. But like most people of my age would agree, sometimes, just sometimes, your parents want you to do just the things you hate to do. Because they knew how to do it when they were your age. Because Vinton Cerf was still trying to figure out how to impress Robert Kahn and the whole world with his stupendous discovery-Internet. Because Television still featured just a one hour daily music show - Chitrahar. Because they were obedient to their parents unlike you. After all, what would we know of a world where football was still played bare foot! I say, what's great in making a round, kinda thin, wafer-like thing with dough and then heating it over one of early man's earliest inventions?
Nonetheless, just to win some good points with my parents and more because of shtoopid MTNL's shhhtoopid-broadband-that-won't-work, I thought, what the hell, I might as well try and see what the whole fuss is all about. And I did.
As is my habit, I had already imagined what happy faces my parents would be and what "WHaa..??" face my brother would be after tasting the masterpiece of the master-chef! I chose the supposedly-easy way to this. Teh Microwave.

BAKED MACARONI AND CHEESE. Sounds simple and delicious.
I had told mum not to come in the way. Because I was gonna do it all by myself. Without any help. And then she would know how generous He had been with her daughter.

I'm not gonna share the whole recipe with you guys just like the guys at Bukhara probably won't. As Howard Roark said, "Selfishness is a virtue".
Anyway, it took me around half an hour to complete all except the last step which seemed to be the easiest because it required of me only to sit and watch my sweat and blood (not literally) transform into "a hearty dish featuring pasta and shredded cheese baked to perfection" in the microwave oven.
What turned out instead, was this :



NOT MY FAULT!! It said "MICROWAVE SAFE BOWL", DAMN IT!! Humans can err. Not cook-books, right? Yeah, the supposedly "microwave-safe bowl" got baked along with cheese! Okay, so turns out, it has mentioned in a somewhat hidden place in the beginning that Plastic Microwave-safe bowl should not be used at 250 degree Celsius "Convection Function" and that metal dishes or glass ceramics should be used instead. But, WHATEVER!! It should have been RIGHT THERE!! So while I shouted away alone in the darkness, the evil plastic fumes made their way through the interwoven web of cheese and macaroni! What I regret is, I could have tasted a bit of it while making it. But then, nobody knows why good people suffer!
P.S. : Do tell me how you liked the new look of my blog.

What's with the stripes?

Yesterday was the fourth time ...or probably the fifth that I went for shopping with mom. All thanks to nancy's suggestion, I landed in sarojini nagar. Though its very far from my place, I wanted to go there badly because I had heard so much about it from my friends. Sarojini nagar is THE place if u want to buy "nice/ sexy/chic/hot/cool/lovely + cheap" t-shirts /shirts /tops/ earrings /other girlie stuff. But, one has to make a lot of effort for finding a nice one. Besides, the vendors shouting at their top of their voices : " paintees ki t-shirts, bees rupay, bees rupay, sale sale,bees rupay ki sale" is just so funny. I like it. This is what I call "the flavour of India"(reminds me of The Flavours of China ..its a nice chinese restaurant in Connaught Place, by the way). I loved the place. It was so lively ...so fresh..n the market is like a maze, believe me. I have not seen such a big market place before. If you ask me(not that you have a choice), it was like an enlarged version of the janpath market. And then, there were yummy momos too. I didn't try them (I saved them for the next time I visit the place) , but just that they looked yummy.

I wonder why it always takes me so long to come to the point. Even mom wonders the same. OK, so now, I'll come to the point straight.



I'll begin with a limerick :

"Stripes , stripes , everywhere,
But none is worth a wear,
Unless thou want to look one of the crowd
No matter the vendors who shout out loud
I do not want you to look like an ugly striped bear"

Thank you very much for that appreciative look. I know that great piece of work really did not make any sense to you. What I mean to say is that, whenever I go to buy clothes, all I can see around me are stripes. Yellow with black (Yes, people do wear that "taxi combination") , blue with pink, purple with orange (disgusting) , broad stripes alternating with thin ones or broad stripes overlapped by more broad stripes of a different colour...ugh, whatever . I admit to be the proud owner of six striped t-shirts. But, well, one really doesn't have a choice, u know.


I went to kamla nagar(don't go there for clothes...its like a treasure hunt in garbage land) . Then I went to karol bagh (nice collection at Westside) ,then to Rajouri Garden. And trust me, I saw about a one hundred and thirty girls (don't ask me why I chose that number, please) showing off their collection of stripes.

I'm not saying that thats all that they sell. But thats most of it. I think fashion designers have totally lost their creativity and are now looking towards nature (read:animals) for help. Doesn't that explain the white-n-black and yellow-n-black combo. ( Inspiration Source: mr. zebra and mr. tiger respectively) . Or maybe, they were all hypnotized by a witch-who-loved-stripes.

Well, whatever. Thank you for bearing with me for this long.
But, tell me, because I fail to understand.....


What's with the stripes ???

Also, the one comment I liked best:

Harshâ said...

Stripes, STRIPES, you say..
are stacked all along the pathway.
Who's the witch-who-loved-stripes???
D'You mean the one with bagpipes ??
I was pondering ova this all day !!!

August 7, 2007 10:49 PM