Wednesday, April 29, 2009

The great Indian (hyper-extended) family.

She entered the restaurant with her not-so-much, yet-younger brother in tow. As she went ahead, carving her path through a sea of people, protecting her little (sneers) brother from the evils of the world, she almost had to do a Matrix to escape a well, let's say, a healthy Aunty wearing a vulgar over-sequined saree, who, in a fit of laughter (induced by vulgarly fat Uncle husband's joke), was falling over her unknowingly. She survived even as the Aunty gave her a threatening look on seeing the look of disgust on her face.

She was about to reach her table. Suddenly, her path was blocked by a couple of three year olds who were dragging a chair back and forth making screeching noises and another couple who were shouting cheers for them in a shrill, very shrill voice. The chalktrauma* made her want to pull her hair out, kick off the kids in different directions and retire to the Himalayas for-ever. But, she survived. Because all she could think of in that one moment was that why was it called 'back and forth' when 'forth and back' makes more sense because 'back' is when you come 'back' from 'forth'. Her therapy classes had really helped with her grave anger issues by teaching her how to divert her mind.

She sat on her chair, only to find that it wasnt't there. She fell, hurt. Fat aunty had borrowed the chair without asking if it was needed. She survived, still. She took it as a positive thing to have happened. It suddenly brought life into her lazy self. 'Art of the living' classes weren't a bad idea, after all.

She almost had laryngitis from having to shout at the top of her voice to be audible to her parents sitting across the table because a group of fat kitty-party aunties were so amicably fake-complimenting each other's sarees and just by-the-way bitching about their daughter-in-laws, their cacophonous, high pitched voices echoing through the hall (hell). She cursed them with the Swine Flu.

What can you say about an almost(still) 20 year old who survived?

That she loved people.

The Obnoxious, The Unbelievably Annoying and The Incredibly Stupid.

They never ceased to amaze her.

P.S.: 'She loved people' was an alternate title. But then, I decided to go with the 'family' one because I figured that to make an impactful speech, you've got to include the 'parivaar' feeling somewhere.

P.P.S.: Heh. I loved third person talk!! Weird..but, doing more of it for sure. :D

P.P.P.S.: I haven't taken any of those classes, just FYI.

*Chalktrauma (chawk' traw ma) - n. The body's reaction to someone running his fingernails down a chalkboard.
Source: Sniglets


sawan said...

:)reading "the great indian family" was a better exp than watching "the great indian laughter show" :)

Dream'R said...

You do realise what we take away from this right??...all of your aunties r FAT!!...thats you in 10 years my dear...buhahahaha(mugambo like laugh)...but hey thats quite a funny take on things..hehe..i know how much of a drag it is to eat with your relatives...esp the grown ups..!!uff..but as guys we r expected to be anti-social, so its kinda k for us i guess...

So you didnt take those classes?? jhooth matt bolo siya(lets say siya eh..hehe)..give them some credit yaar!! ;-)

btw..woh chalktrauma even now when you just wrote about it made me tighten up for a second there...i so hate that sound!!...ufff..

halla bollllll ( just for u ..hehe)

J said...

back and forth....intrstng observation but flawed logic...
yea, third person talk are so much fun....
found most characters (including u)quite stereotypical.....but perhaps we all are just stereotypes....
Nice post...refreshing as ever...

Dhanya said...

Rofl! Fat, revealing aunties... soooo annoying!

Aupsy-The cOOlest One!! said...

hey...first time on ur blog(source:kriti's blog)... commenting coz ur posts are really different and theres something about them that makes one wanna read every word!!! amazing ideas, n a striking imagination!! U sure are one helluva blogger!! :)

deluded said...


kitty parties are fun to watch and listen(even when youre with family), because they always end up discussing sex lives and bitching

Chronicwriter said...

you are a funny girl.. i like such write ups:)


Anurag said...

lolzz....Typical Aunties I tell ya...
But the "Swine" hasn't come 2 india....Thank God 4 that... :P

P.S : The Monkey's are distracting whenever I scroll down and read... :(

Siya said...

@Sawan: Chalo..I'll take that as a compliement!! ;-)

@Amith: Gawwwwd!! You got it all wrong..Hehe..They are not my aunties as in my aunties, you see!! India me everybody is for everybody's children..everybody else is Uncle-aunty. LOL. :D Samjha?? ;-)

You can't even laugh properly like is muhahahaha NOT buhahahaha. Ugh.

Yeah..guys are lucky in that respect!!

yeah..let's say siya only..heh heh ;-)

That sound is SO just think of it and..argh..there I go again! Pure trauma. ears...Nahiiiiiiiinnnn to halla bollll.

Siya said...

@J: Yeah..I know it was full of stereotypes..wasn't my best!! Was just B-O-R-E-D and had to blog any crap!! :D Cool, you liked it! :D

@Dhanya: Serrrriously man!! :-P

Siya said...

@Ayushman: Thank you SOOO much for the encouraging words!! That's probably the best compliment I've got on my blog!! :D :D :D

Good you mentioned the source..LOL..I'll thank kriti now. ;-)

Cheers! :) :)

@deluded: LOL. Sure they are. cause you can post about em later. ;D

Siya said...

@Chriz: Thank you!! :D I'm glad you like em. :D

@Anurag: Yeah..but these aunties will have to go to Mexico because of some kind of unforeseen circumstances and there they'll get it cause they've been cursed. LOL. :P the monkeys are also irritating you!! Kya kya karu mai bechari insaan!! Itne pyaare se toh them some love..fedd em bananas..they wont trouble you then. :P

Creation said...


fat anties and bothersome younger brothers.. its the same story here!!

I love to talk in third-person too... (guess that explains my a tad too frequent 'status' updates on facebook).

I'm totally going to 'borrow' (lol) this idea.. hope you don't have a copyright
(go talk to my lawyers, even if you do :P)

The Obnoxious, The Unbelievably Annoying and The Incredibly Stupid.

They certainly never cease to be a source of amazement!!

PULKIT said...

that was a cool funny one!
good job!


Dream'R said...

oh!! sheesh...!!..i ttoally forgot our callin every1 aunty uncle waala concept..;-)...u will forgive me wont u :-(

oye that was the mugambo laugh before digital sound editing took over...this is how it sounds now..buhahahaha!!..kya re..dont u read the papers SIYA(lol)...

and btw..i read on kriti's blog ki u hadnt heard 'HOME'before..oye tu toh kehti rehti hai ki my mp3 player takes time to load par kabhi toh uspe songs bhi sunaa kar..its got 'HOME' on it you know!!

Siya said...

@Kriti: Haha.. :P

Oh, can 'borrow' it alright!! :D Although, I'm not really sure what exactly is there to borrow in it..Anyway!

I knowww.. !! :P

@Pulkit: Thanks! :D

Siya said...

@Amith: Well, you know how forgiving I, well, Okie.

Whaaaat?? YOU can't edit MY mugambo laugh!! ohh...achaa papers me aaya tha!!

And, really stop doing that. THAT. (Pulling out her hair waala smiley)

Muhahaha..I just put your mp3 player on pause most of the time. I play my own list..chalo theek hai..will listen. I mean, if you insist.

peter said...

"She sat on her chair, only to find that it wasnt't there. She fell, hurt. Fat aunty had borrowed the chair without asking if it was needed"

LOL that remindS me DIL CHAHTA HAI :P
kewl narration btw, i could imagine it btw ;)

Siya said...

@Peter: Ohh..Hehe..yeah I remember that Saif Ali Khan wala scene. LOL. :P

Oh, thanks! :)

oo7 said...

nice ji... wide smile here


bondgal_rulz said...

Oieeee......funny to the core as usual. :)

Chalktrauma...ughhhhh !!!

And dude third person is super cool!!!


P.S. From ****** to Siya to Dr. Acula...getting nearer to reality are we ? ;)

Dr. Acula said...

@007: Nice to see that! :D You take care! :)

@Isha: YAY!! My twin is here!!!! \:D/ \:D/

LOL..Thanks. :D :D

Yes, we are. heh heh heh.

DPhatsez said...

chalktrauma! (shudder!)
Naice touch with the Matrix bit. I was imagining you dodging AUNNTTEEE NOOOOOOOO!!!(slow motion)

P.S. You're a nutter aren't you? :)

Twisted Elegance.... said...

Aiyooo! Why did you put up this Love story picture! Now I have to watch this movie again! Seen it a million times! Especially the opening scene where he sits alone and delivers that immortal dialogue! Ehhhhhh now am pulling my hair!!!

Dr. Acula said...

@DPhatsez: sound the same on your blog..the slow motion NOOOOOOOS and all. :D

P.S.: Ahem. :P

@Twisted Elegance: Cause apparently no one was getting the joke there. :P He He..I love the movie too!! :)